Letting go is a matter of survival
by Mansah
Summary: Things aren't okay and maybe they haven't been for a while. It's time for Blair to say no, basically. Starts sometime around 3x17.


I don't own Gossip Girl or any of its characters. Reviews are always appreciated, whether they're negative or positive:D Thanks!

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He gave her a necklace, kissed her hair, she felt herself give in. She kissed him, just a formality really, to ensure he wouldn't talk. It wasn't an apology, she knew that, knew he saw no need to apologise, he had told her that already. _You went up to that room yourself._ But if he had pushed all the right buttons, puppeteered her way to the Cyclops' cave himself how was she to blame? That was the question she didn't ask. Instead she bit her lip; bit back her retort while something inside her whispered: _This is not okay_. The necklace hung heavy on her breast, scorched her skin. _This is my own scarlet letter_ she thought, still, somehow it felt a little like a bribe, or her pay for the night. A memory, another necklace: _Something this beautiful deserves to be seen on someone worthy of its beauty_. It's all about perspective really.

_It's over_ she'd said, she'd meant it. Yet he was back again, orchestrating weddings, manipulating her feelings. _It's not okay_ her insides screamed as he told her any prize was worth paying because together they could win anything, pushed her from anger to self-loathing. Said he loved her like it would wipe away the past, nothing has to change. She should have said: _Your touch makes me sick_ and made him feel it, instead she ran from the scene, bile rising in her throat and how is that okay?

_Isn't it romantic?_ Serena said, y_ou have to at least give him that_. Take him back, give him another chance was implied. _It's all a game to him_ she said, anger rising towards her friend, loyalties betrayed unknowingly; untold secrets rising barriers between them. It's not okay, but she can't bring herself to bring them down, too much shame and pain in the air.

_I'm Blair Waldorf_ she tries to tell herself, steeling herself against the onslaught of friends and foes, but the word has become meaningless because she's not you know; she's Chuck and Blair, Blair and Chuck, nothing really matters now beyond that, there's nothing left and that should never really have been okay.

Giving up Blair Waldorf had been easy, too easy. It starts with a sacrifice, a little one, saying no to a party, a painting, a club because he needs her. It's good; it's mature until it becomes a habit. The sacrifices become bigger and for smaller things. She doesn't ever question that her needs may be bigger than his. She knows where her loyalties are and who cares about the world as long as she has him, love makes everything simple. But love was never simple and this was never okay.

_You're selfish_ people said, when she had tried to save herself. _Go fight for him, don't let him drown_.

_You're the same, _others said; _two wrongs making a twisted right_.

_We're inevitable_ he said; _we're magnetic,_ o_ur pull is undeniable._ That is when he didn't pour over deeds and deals, making it big in business-land or working out his issues, she'd tried to pull him then over and over again without success. Still she listened to it all, didn't object, because if you think about it it's lucky they even found each other because they both belong in hell. If she had been stronger she might have shouted then; _it's not okay_, but the words die before they even reach her tongue.

Her bathroom becomes her best friend, her closest confidante. Before she went there to regroup, to find herself, to find control, now, it's an escape –from self-loathing, from weakness, from herself. She pours all the things she doesn't say down the drain, all her memories, most of her feelings too. Only love remains, or so she thinks. He still rejects her, pushes her aside. It hurts, but she blames herself. _He's busy_ she thinks; _he deals with reality, I with fairy tales, some day he'll have time_. Some day he always does, because parental hauntings happen, his business succeeds or Uncle Jack comes a-visiting. She stands ready for whenever because she knows how cold the world feels when he shuts her out. It's not okay, really, but if someone asked she couldn't say who decided this is how their relations were run.

The moment she starts realising that something is wrong is at the wedding. There's love in the air, but it's mutual, it's equal and it's not something she has a part in. Her mask cracks and tears drop. They're the first tears she has cried in forever and it's in public. Because it really does exist, the fairy tale she dreamed of, and maybe you don't have to deny your right to be, sell yourself for hotels to prove it. She holds on to that thought as if it was dear life, maybe it is.

_Better bored than ashamed of myself, I don't like who I've become with you._ It feels like someone has opened a door and let in fresh air as she says it.

_Don't bail on me _he says; _we have to see this through to the end._ He reaches for her and for a moment she is ready to give in, let go and forget as she has done before. But there's that breeze again and maybe she can relearn who is Blair Waldorf. _This is the end, Chuck._

For a while after she doesn't know what to do with herself. She wants to become Blair Waldorf immediately, eager to shed all memories like a bad nightmare, throw them in a box. But how? She throws a party, search for eligible men, someone to be a part of. It doesn't work, he's there right away spinning his web, having his say and it's not okay, but for once it does her good. Maybe she needs to become one before she can be two. She discovers you can't rewrite your past. Chuck is a part of her and even if it hurts she has to work that into who she has become and one day she'll kiss somebody and it'll be for her. At that moment everything is clear.

Later her resolve slips. She discovers it's not as easy to let go as you think. She still loves him and it's not okay that despite how he treated her, she can't stop worrying about how he is and whether he goes to see Lily. It's not okay, but unfortunately this is part of life. Healing doesn't always come to those who need it. Maybe if she could hate him, she thinks, but she can't. Even after what he did she's still more angry with herself. She blames him for that a little (but not enough and that's not okay). Maybe if he hadn't ruined her before she wouldn't have accepted that she was partly guilty as well. Is it a crime to love too much? She thinks it is now.

He finds a way back into her life. _It's for Lily_ he says; _I can't lose another parent_. It's not okay that he crashes in, ruins her date, claims her sympathy; she finds the strength to tell him so but whether his arm reaches wider than she remembers (she knows it does) or the universe is against her she is still doomed from the start. There's scheming, there's psychologists demoting _that_ to a matter of broken trust and her confidence waivers. Maybe it really was okay? And that's not okay. It's not okay that he's suddenly touching her and what's more it's not okay that even if she scolds him for it, tells him it's just a game she feels the imprint of his hand on her body like a fiery hot brand for hours after he removes it. She repeats to herself like a mantra: _It's not okay, it's not okay, it's not okay_. But the heart doesn't listen. Even when she heads to the toilet, bends down over the porcelain bowl she still fails to purge the love.

Finally the anger comes, but it's too late and it's all wrong and it hurts more than she ever expected. She learns that even if you hate somebody you can still love them. _I won't wait for you any longer_ he says; _meet me at the Empire State Building or I'll close my heart to you forever._

_You can't Affair to Remember me_ she says. _You have no right to_ remains on the lips as she feels her heart pounding, panicking. It's not okay and yet she fears she might give in. Maybe she really is weak; maybe she can forgive and forget. _I won't be there_, her resolve melts as the words are spoken.

She tries fighting even while she recognises she's failed, she never really stood a chance. _It's over_ she'd said, but when was it really? It's hard to fight Chuck, your friends, your heart and the universe. Maybe once she had the strength, maybe once defeat wasn't an option, maybe once a Waldorf no mattered but that's all in the past. Even Dorota is against her. _I don't care who you're with_ she'd said, _as long as you're happy_. Now she tells you: _Go to him, you can't live without him, just give up the fight_. Maybe now it's true but it's not okay and why can't she have a chance, broken hearts take time to mend, if she had time she could break free.

But she goes; there are signs. Bye Cameron, bye dignity; all you need is love. The world really is against her because the signs lure her with their promise of a brighter future; love can move mountains as long as you believe. Maybe things can be okay? But she should have stopped believing in miracles. It's not the right time for a fairy tale, she can't win the castle and the prince because she hasn't been saved, she doesn't know how to. She falls flat before him, a chorus inside her screaming, shouting, pleading _it's not okay, it's not okay, it'snotokay it'snotokayit'snotkay._ She doesn't listen because even if she can't deny their paths haven't been complicated, love still makes everything simple. Maybe she really believes what she says, maybe she trusts herself so little because the world has been urging her to think it's okay, maybe she's become too practised at denial because it's all wrong. She discovers that herself later.

In the end it is a massacre. It is heralded by blood, with screams, with tears and nothing's okay. For a while she feels like it never really can be but somehow it's a relief, and it feels more final this time because there's anger, righteous anger and even if he pleads and says; _Don't blame me, I wasn't thinking straight, I thought you weren't coming back_ it doesn't make it okay and she is able to say it; _Don't say her name, don't say a thing_, maybe he could explain this but he never really deserved it in the first place. _This night never happened;_ she knows it'll be the truth; she's become practised at denial.

Maybe she's weak then, for not listening, for willing it away, but she's new at this, standing up for herself and she's been there before. She can't afford to forgive and forget again, she'll end up never forgiving herself, just like she's already forgotten. So she escapes; Serena at hand, she's not leaving her problems behind, she couldn't even if she tried, but there's distance, it's far enough to prevent her from acting even if she slips. There's a chance to be herself; Blair Waldorf might have been lost but she can be found again, one day even if all the anger and the hurt wasn't for anything, things will be okay. She believes that.


End file.
